My semi-annual blog post comes at a time when I should actually not be working on anything like this at all.  One more day until the dreaded PACTPACTPACT is due . . . so close, but so far.  Currently have 48 pages of commentary, 20 some odd pieces of supplementary material, 20 ounce coffee, running on 5 hours of sleep. . . . next task will be to revise, revise, revise and waste 68 x 3 pieces of paper just to let the state of California and SDSU know that, yes, I can teach.  ANYWAYThinking about my eventual tattoo more and more since the sisters are about to be separated.  Look at the photo and tell me what you think.  I was thinking about the one on the bottom right cornerThinking maybe some color would be nice in those flowers: not BLUE, but RED.  What do you think?A teacher I worked with asked me about job prospects yesterday and I got a bit nervous.  Summer is sneaking up on me and I don't have a clear plan for attacking the market.  Who knows where I could end up? What I could teach?  It's all a little frightening.Lastly, it's my birthday on Monday.  I love birthdays.  So happy I have something to look forward to after this dreaded assignment is due. 

There are three places where I seem to do my best thinking.  1. The shower2. Right before I fall asleep3. Driving in the car at nightThe worst thing about all three of those locations is that I never have pen and paper (or laptop) ready to take down my thoughts and notes, so I usually don't remember everything I generate in those instances.  The thoughts and notes are about anything and everything, mostly related to important life things, but also times when I reflect upon myself.  I just got back from a trip to Windmill Farms a few minutes ago, though, and had a massive brainstorming session.  What better place to document my thoughts then online in blog format, where the Internet will never allow me to forget what I have to say.  Yes, I know, this is my first post in quite sometime, nearly 9 months.  I mean, I could have conceived a baby, been pregnant, and given birth and someone reading this site never would have known.  Mind you, none of that happened.  Student teaching, school, work, and the occassional vacay have occupied my mind pretty steadily for the past five months.  Now that I have a hiccup of air time, this is what I have to say.1. I'm too accommodating. I never considered this as being a bad thing before, but recently I've seen how being too willing to sacrifice my happiness to help someone else is really a major flaw.  I like to do things for people, but if I make myself too available, I run the risk of getting taken advantage of easily and often.  Guess what?  It does happen a lot, which leads to my next idea . . . 2. I need to be more assertiveI am a pushover and I like to please people, partially because I like to see people happy, but also because I am a little insecure and somehow think that people will like me more if I am willing to let them do what they want to do or go where they want to go.  I am ALWAYS the person who ends up adding extra money to the bill so the waiter doesn't stiffed (Gordon Biersch was a mistake, I promise), who volunteers to drive, who does the work that nobody else will do. . . and guess what?  It doesn't make me feel better about myself.  It makes me feel like a sucker and makes me feel confused because I don't always get what I expect to get out of the relationships I have to people who receive all of my kindness.  I've been referred to as "sisterly" by too many guys to make me think that what I'm trying to do is actually working.3. I need to take risks.I am always the one who sits back, analyzes, over-analyzes, before I make any type of decision.  If I don't think I am going to be good at something I have never tried, I say that I am no good at something I have never tried and let it stay that way.  I don't know why I've never quite had the confidence to throw caution to the wind and do what I want to do because in life, I have proven to myself time and time again that I don't fail at things, or at least not often.  I always find a way to make it work and to make it work well.  Maybe it's because of all the over-analysis, or maybe because it is true that I am actually good at many things.  Sorry if that sounds immodest, but sometimes, I just can't seem to make that connection.  Often times I just end up feeling embarrassed and want to remove myself from the situation asap.How am I going to fix this?1. Allow myself to be selfish.I've said this for a long time, and it's usually a chunk of advice I give to other people often, but this is something I need to do for me.  I need to stop worrying about what others need or how they feel, not completely, but just when I need to, so I can work on improving myself and making myself happy.  I totally know I am a nurturer by nature, but it wouldn't kill me to step away every once in a while so I don't resent not being able to think about myself.2. Be more assertive.Simple solution to that problem, but this will probably be my most difficult to accomplish.  I need to believe that what I believe is important and that sometimes, I really am the one who is right and the other person really is the one who is wrong.  I think I've been able to develop a little bit of this through teaching this year, but I need to get much more assertive because I often find that any lost chance at standing up for myself usually manifests into me being passive aggressive, whiny, or depressed, and I hate, hate, HATE, myself when I get like that.  I also need to believe that I won't be alienating people when I defend my thoughts and beliefs. In fact, I'll probably be respected more by others.  It sounds cliche, but confidence is an attractive quality and something I'd like to have more of.3. Take risksNow this might only be prohibited by my financial situation, but I think that there are inexpensive things I can do in order to satisfy myself in this way.  More road trips, more social events, more athletics . . . endless possibilities.  The first thing I can think of to satisfy this is to run a half marathon in DC.  I know it will be a challenge and a little bit expensive, but it will be a healthy distraction for me over the next couple of months as I start back at school and begin the job hunt.  My friend who lives there said he would offer to pay for my entry fee if I decided to do it, so airfare is the only real hump in my way.  I've run a half marathon before, so I know I am physically capable.  I was also thinking about a big move, too.  I've lived in San Diego all of my life and feel like I've exhausted a lot of options out here.  Not to say that San Diego is bad, but in some ways I have a lot of regrets about not going out and exploring more of what this country has to offer.  Looking for teaching jobs will certainly allow me to expand a little bit and possibly settle on the the East Coast for a little while.  I've taken enough trips out there to know that I would most definitely love a stint out there.Also, unrelated, but still exciting, my guide teacher told me that the principal at the school I'm teaching at thinks that I am doing a really great job and that she is noticing all of the little extras I do around campus in order to get involved. . . a teaching job in San Diego is a near impossibility for me with the way the school districts are here, but a recommendation from a principal would definitely make me a very strong candidate in the market here and elsewhere.  Fingers crossed.

I literally had the craziest experience at work last night.  On one hand, it makes me feel a bit sad for the state of society in general and our attitudes towards certain demographics of people, but a lot of it makes me feel really angry and insulted.  After you read what happens, please feel free to share your thoughts, seeing as you are objective observers while I am a participant in the matter with very subjective feelings. As some of you know, I work at Pizza Nova in Hillcrest -- across the street from Corvette Diner -- so its safe to say that it's a pretty urban location.  We get a lot of customers from foot traffic and a lot of movie goers.  Recently though, we've had quite a few homeless people come in to eat, or to try to eat anyway, because of a coupon we recently put in the Gay and Lesbian Times.  The coupon offers a free pizza, no strings attached.  You could walk in, get a glass of water and a 10" pizza, and not have to pay a penny.  Usually, we've had repeat customers use the coupon and they really appreciate the kind of deal they're receiving, but as I mentioned before, we've also attracted quite a few transients.  Not all of them have come in to use the coupon, but they have come in expecting to get something free, which is certainly not a good thing, especially since word of mouth travels faster around this population than a magazine with a very small circulation. Last night, I had a table of 5 people who thoroughly fit the description of wayward street dwellers.  Most of the men were dirty and carrying backpacks, their speech was garbled and incomprehensible at times, and the etiquette they displayed suggested that they didn't really go to restaurants often.  One man seated at the head of the table was especially loud, occasionaly vulgar, and would vascillate between a conciliatory tone and a furious tone of speech with his friends, at times telling them to order whatever they wanted and then immediately calling them lowlives and good-for-nothings because they were mooching off of him to come to this "fine establishment."  It was obvious that the man had some kind of mental illness, but I usually don't fault people for their actions based on that.  I know people who would otherwise pass as normal who are diagnosed with some kind of mental disorder, and to judge them solely based on a label would be unfair and wrong since mental illness does not define them as people.  Nevertheless, I was there to do a job and serve customers, so I dutifully took their drink order -  a Heinekin, a double shot of Jack Daniels and Coke, a rum and Coke, regular Coke, and a flavored ice tea.  I brought everything to their table, then took orders for appetizers, soup and salad.  Once again, the "benevolent" gentlemen at the head of the table graciously offered his guests whatever they desired.  One man, the only one drinking a soft drink with out any added liquor, proceeded to order what he wanted, only to be interrupted by his friend's erratic shouting and berating comments.  The man who ordered the Coke was pleasant and polite, apoligized for the actions of some of his friends.  While I suspect that he knew his friend had no money to pay for the food, he refused to tolerate the general rudeness of the men in his party.  His girlfriend was equally as amiable and sweet.  After he ordered, I received some orders for the most expensive item on the menu, a slow roasted lamb shank (one man could not read that menu item ), while the man at the end of the table ordered a lasagna.  Throughout this whole process, the loud, brash man continued to tell me that he was an ex-server and that he knew how things worked in a restaurant.  This language was usually accompanied by an rather hard taps on the arm.  I felt uncomfortable at this point and told my manager to keep an eye out for them just in case, as I was nervous about their ability to pay and how their actions would escalate.  The shit really hit the fan when the meals began to come out.  I brought out the four entrees, depositing each one to the rightful consumer, including delivering the lasagna to the man at the head of the table.  He looked up at me with very angry eyes and yelled, "What are you trying to do?  Hurry me out of this restaurant?  I came hear to eat, goddammit!"  Once again, the man with the Coje tried to calm him down as I explained that I ordered the food in after they got their salads.  In fact, he was the only one at the table not finished with his starter.  He looked back up at me again, this time saying "You're trying to hurry me out!! You're a fucking worthless piece of shit!  I'm an ex-server! You're trying to hurry me out!!  Oh look, I'm in Fairy Hill, with all the fags. Fucking Fairy Hill!  I'm trying to eat!"  At this point I was livid, but unsure how to react, especially since I was afraid of some kind of physical altercation at this point.  His friends could sense what was coming and asked me to leave so they could calm him down, but I had obviously had enough. I got my manager and told him that they had to kick this guy out.  He went down to the gentleman, asked him to leave, and was assaulted with a barrage of curse words and defamatory remarks.  He threw salad at the busser and forcefully grabbed another one of my coworkers by the arm before leaving in a huff.  His friends were allowed to stay, but clearly they could not afford the bill, so they started to scramble away as well.  The entire table was gone after 5 minutes, but I was shaken up.  My coworkers felt the weight of it as well, especially since they had to absorb all of the customers that had been seated in my station. and who wanted to move because of the noise.  I apologized profusely to my other tables, who empathized with me (at least that's what their tips suggested) but it really ruined my night. I had judged these people right at the start, before I had even come to their table.  I had a positive frame of mind, thinking they might actually have come into a bit of cash and were looking for a modest meal.  I hoped this was true, especially since I hold people to be equals.  This sounds silly, but everyone deserves creature comforts once in a while, even if its something silly like being waited on at a restaurant.  I felt sad for the man who was overtaken by mental illness and frustrated that the current system could not do more to help him and his friends get back on their feet.  The couple in the party were very sweet, well kept, and polite.  I suspected that they had just hit a bout of bad luck, but would be on the road to recovery soon.  As the meal progressed, however, I can't describe how much I felt I was being taken advantage of.  I constantly had orders barked at me,  was not able to take other tables because of the scene these people were causing . . . it's a strange feeling really, I can't totally articulate it, but I'd liken it to feeling used by people who clearly had no regrets.  I've had a good life, for certain, obviously better than these individuals, but should I feel guilty for my privilege?  I know I'll never be in their situation.  I will always have somebody in my life who can take care of me.  I l know not every one is as lucky as me, but, really, what can I do about it?

mine.icanhascheezburger.com Look at this! My cat is going to be famous. Please vote! Want to get him onto the main page . . .

Wow, I guess Gina really has restarted the whole Webtape blog revolution.  I haven't blogged in over a month and decided that today would be perfect for it.  My recent rise in journal writing might actually be to blame, more so than Gina, so here it goes.  I worked so much last week, so much more than I have in the entire year.  Three days waitressing at Pizza Nova and 4 days substitute teaching, all at different schools.  45 hours in total, lots of $$$ as well.  I finally got a chance to work at the Preuss School, which is the charter school of charter schools in the area and an amazing place to work.  Had a great time there.  Also worked at a school off of Lake Murray Blvd. (yay! super close), a school in Skyline, where a kid told me I looked like Brooke Hogan, and at King Chavez Prep in Stockton where some girl told me I had a big ass.  Yes, I still like kids after her comment -- if nothing else, they give me some amazing stories to tell later.  I've also been keeping up with the running - the half marathon is this weekend.  I've been getting a little bit bored with my runs, so I enlisted a friend to start running with me.  She's been bringing along her 10 month old golden retriever who is an absolute doll and a total ball of energy.  Bringing him to the lake has been good for the most part, but he has a strange attraction to mallard ducks that sometimes causes him to dart out in front of me or people on bikes with very little notice.  But it's freaking cute.  This weekend was nice and relaxing, at least after work on Saturday.  Got 12 hours of rest on Saturday night and had an amazing run at Mission Bay - 8.5 miles - on Sunday.  I finally bought a cute outfit for my race so I look polished and put together, not wearing old Crusaders soccer shorts from 4th grade.  Monday was nice too, very relaxing as well.  A good friend of mine from a summer job I've had for the past couple of years decided to come to SD to visit during his spring break -- his brother lives here, so it's not totally random -- but I didn't know until Sunday night.  Fortunately, I didn't haven't anything going on, so I picked him up from the airport, hung out around San Diego, and took about 45 minutes to find this house in a totally obscure part of South Park.  It was great catching up and getting to talk with someone I haven't seen in a while and also made me really excited for summer.  I just feel like I haven't had a real escape in a while, and it would be so nice to get away from the monotony of family, friends, and stress here.  Not that I hate things here, but his visit really got me anxious for those long, warm summer months and LA as the oasis.Oh, and we saw a lot of dogs, lots and lots of dogs.  We have a general disagreement about smashed face canines.  I can't stand them, but apparently he finds them charming.  But we agree that English bulldogs are quite alright. Subbed today, subbing tomorrow, race and LA on Friday/Saturday.  Gahgahgahgah I can't wait.P.S. Yay for finally meeting the full webtape contingent on Friday night and hanging out.  Can't believe I haven't had the opportunity until now.  Can't wait to encounter more belligerent black girls and possibly dead men in Denny's parking lots off of Jack Murphy Road in the near future.

Grandma is home with us, I don't know for how long.  She's been having a really hard time with all of her treatment, but I never really thought about how debilitating it was until now.  She sleeps at least 15 hours a day and then spends the rest of her time at  the hospital or doing other not so fun things.  This woman used to be vivacious and independent, and although she's still kept her sense of humor, she's pretty much just going through the motions.  I watched my dad walk her up to her room tonight while I was eating dinner, and I couldn't help but get teared up.  Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing.

As some of you may or may not know, I am in the process of applying for San Diego State University's Single Subject Teaching Credential program. I'm currently enrolled in a few prerequisite courses and I have a project for one of them that requires a bit of help on your part, if you can supply it. One of the courses I am taking revolves around teaching students with disabilities and special needs. For my project, I must interview the parent of a child with disabilities or special need, record the interview, and submit it along with a bit of a reflection about the assignment. If anyone has a sibling with special needs or knows someone with a special needs child and would not mind participating in a 30min-1hr long interview, please let me know! I am very flexible and able to conduct the interview in person, by phone, or via email or online messengers. My project is due next Wednesday, February 25, so I would like to be able to interview the individual by Monday, Februrary 23 by the latest. If you may know someone who would be willing to help me out, please comment on this post or send me an email at kleenerts@gmail.com with their information. I can send a copy of the questions to you as well so that they have a chance to look over everything before we speak. Thanks so much in advance for all of your help. I really appreciate it!

www.guardian.co.uk Two German kids try to elope to Africa to get married. Adorable!

For some reason or another, I've been extremely anxious the past couple weeks.  I've been a bit of a worry wart, a perfectionist of sorts, so I always feel some kind of intense pressure, but this is definitely different.  I've been anxious about work, social situations, my future, money, the list goes on.  I really want to see somebody about it, especially because a family history with issues like this, but the fact that I don't have health insurance precludes even that from happening.  I know that I'm good at what I do.  I'm smart, competent, friendly, but I feel like this unnecessary anxiety is getting in the way of me being happy with this year in my life.  This is a year of change, I realize, but I'm leaving a lot up to chance, and if I can't control this, I'm really nervous for the future.I've been listening to a lot of Bob Dylan and Paul Simon recently.  It's silly to say that their lyrics provide some comfort, but they do in a way.  They don't always write about happy things, but whether their material is happy or sad, it's always sung to an upbeat tune.  I feel like maybe that's how I feel.  I put on a happy face, but inside there are things that just bother me a lot.  I can't explain it.  Blah.  I don't know if it helped to write anything down, but I haven't said much aloud, except to Gina.  We'll see what happens.

Hope everyone has a safe and Happy Christmas with family, friends, and loved ones.  It's the most wonderful time of the year for a reason :)

I admit, I'm usually one of those people who is instantly critical of any kind of fundamentalist Christian sect.  I'm nominally Catholic -- well, I guess I'm more than just nominally Catholic.  I go to mass fairly regularly, take the Eucharist, sing the songs, recite the prayers, have nightly review sessions of my days, sessions that God is usually invited to listen to.  I've just never been so public with my faith.  I feel like I'm judged too harshly if I speak openly and positively about religion.  I feel like people automatically take me for uneducated or misinformed if I place confidence in issues that are solely based on faith.  If people become aware of my occasional religious tendencies, I just assume people think I'm ignorant, uninformed, and utterly ridiculous.I'm not those things, and yet I still have faith in a greater power.  I can't even wrap my mind around the complexity of an ultimate creator and I love that.  Sometimes its nice not to have an answer for everything, to explain away each and everything. Recently, I've had to deal with things that have been hard, things I can't comprehend or understand.  I can't explain why a young person's live was ended so suddenly, nor I can I explain or understand the severity of some illnesses, but I can say that the time I've spent contemplating these things has been made better because I realize  that I can't possibly have all the answers.  I'm not meant to know, or to stress, but I am meant to help the people around me who need my assistance.  God is more about love than anything else.  To love someone or something means  one invests all that they have into that relationship, not only based on what they know, but on what they don't know, based on hopes for the future will bring for them, and on blind faith and trust.  Today at the memorial service, the pastor recited 1 Corinthians 13:13, one of the few verses from the Bible I recognize time and again, but also one of my favorites: "Right now three things remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."  I don't feel that humans are capable to give all of their love to God, well, at least directly.  We're not divine, and we don't have nor will we ever have the capacity to do as God does.  But if we live as decent human beings, we are doing as God wishes.  If we love and care for one another, if we place other's needs before our own, if we think about what we can honestly contribute to better serve the greater good, then we are loving and are living within God's desires for mankind.  None of these ideas are overtly religious -- I just really think they get down to the core of human nature and human emotion.The human brain is the most complex thing on the planet.  The faculties that we possess cannot possibly compared with any other organic being.  We judge, criticize, analyze, imagine, invent, inspire people with what we produce in our minds.  We have the potential to challenge ideas, rationalize or discount theories or suggestions.  The way humans think and act truly has changed the world, both for the good and the bad.  We are unique beings, every single one, and we are not all meant to think a certain way.  We can't all agree on a common language, form of currency, political system, family structure, breakfast cereal, because overanalysis gets in the way.  At the end of the day, these are not important.  What is important, however, is what do decide to value.  Love, friendship, companionship, camaraderie, and generosity are universally celebrated and accepted truths.  Forget about every petty thing, and this is what we're left with.  I'm sure people could give multiple reasons as to why we as a species hold these values so dear.  I decide to believe that it comes from something greater than us all, God.So there.  I'm finally open about it all.  Let me assure you, I'm educated, informed, and my blood runs as blue as anyone else's on the left side of the aisle.  I like to think that there's something waiting for me after this life is over.  Whatever it may be is not for me to completely understand, and I like it that way. 

Since I've got all this free time on my hands, I've finally been doing things that I've said I always wanted to do.  Nothing too exciting or spectacular, but I wish I had made more time to do this when I had less free time becuase it would have made every boring moment in my life much more better. 1) Reading for pleasure:  Since I've been out of school, I've read at least 10 books for pleasure, which was probably more than I read over the entire course of college.  My usual excuse was that I had so much to read for classes that reading anything would make my mind explode, but I think it probably would have allowed me to put life into perspective.  At the very least, it certainly would have sparked my imagination.  Recommendations from this reading cycle include Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope, David Sedaris' Me Talk Pretty One Day and Tobias Wolff's This Boy's Life.  2) Discovering new music:  I always, always say I want to do this, but find it easier to pop on iTunes than go to a music store and pick out something new, interesting, or obscure.  I've recently fallen in love with Pandora Radio and subsequently have discovered several new bands as a result.  Recommendations for this listening cycle include The National, Band of Horses, Joni Mitchell, The Sea and Cake, Nick Drake, and Delta Spirit. 3) Trying new foods: I went to Hodad's in OB today and had a sloppy yet totally delicious cheeseburger and fries.  The atmosphere was super cool -- beachy and surf bum-ish office breaktime kind of place.  I'd always heard it was amazing but never found the time to get down there and actually check it outt  I'm looking to try out Ethiopian food in San Diego for my next venture.  Anyone interested in coming along? :) 4) Exercising:  I used to be a pretty avid runner in high school, participating on varsity cross country and track.  I was at a point where I could run 10 miles without even thinking about it, and I totally took my fitness for granted.  As college came, I definitely put on the freshman 15 plus some.  I found it easy to make excuses for doing school work over going to the school's gym and subsequently fell out of shape.  Because of all my new found free time, I've decided that I'm going to run a half marathon in March.  It's going to be awesome -- the course is in Hollywood, so we get to run past old actors homes and movie backdrops.  Getting back into running has been hard, but I've already noticed a change in fitness after doing this for just a week.  I enlisted a friend to train with me, so I'll have even more motivation, but it makes me really excited to get back into shape and to be proud of my physical abilty once again.  

This is so freaking true I can't believe it.  Match yourself up with the 115 odd items and see where you fall.  I think I hit about 80 of them.  http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/Today should be a good day -- hike at Torrey Pines, some good book reading, and general relaxation before the rest of the week starts. 

i'm so fucking emotional right now, it's ridiculous.we're living through history right now, and regardless of how you voted, it's got to be recognized.there is a need for change, a desire for change, and the people have spoken resoundingly for someone who is going to bring it.  admittedly, i am a fan of obama's, and it really shouldn't be a secret to anybody who knows me well.  i've been waiting for this day for a while.  i don't dislike mccain.  i actually think he's a pretty great guy, just on the losing end of an election that would have been hard fought for any republican in this current global state.  he is a hero and a decent and honest man, but was worked as a tool.  i dislike some of his choices, but overall, i know that he'll be just as willing to serve his country.i know people might be scared about the possibilities that come with the election of obama, and i understand, but if there has ever been a time for the people to feel empowered, it is now.  we've broken barriers, challenged convention, and hoped for something better.  here it is.