Breathe in . . . breathe out

Okay.  Okay.  Okay. 

I feel like I'm having a panic attack.  Seriously, I'm not just saying
that.  I mean, I tend to employ hyperbole more than the average person,
but occasionally I get the shaky hands, accelerated heartbeat,
inability to just sit still, can't eat, can't drink, lots of
toe-tapping and nail-biting, inability to focus on anything but what's
stressing me out, short, quick breaths, overwhelming anxiety.  And this
is one of those moments.  Let's review what's causing it and see if I
can make myself feel better by rationalizing it all away.

(1)money.  I think this is the key trigger.  I'm working about 16 hours
a week lately, which is nothing, even at $11/hr.  And today I went
shopping for supplies for (2)Stephanie's bachelorette party, and just
spent so much more, and no one has paid me back yet, and the hotel was
$155 and the alcohol was waaaay too expensive and I'm expecting to
spend at LEAST $50 at Lips and I have all the responsibility on me and
I'm nervous that the hotel will notice that there are 6 girls in a room
I said only 2 people would be in and I don't want to have to pay more
if they notice and (3)I'm going to be hanging out with associates which
always makes me nervous that I'll get in trouble with my boss or lose
my job or something and with (4)alcohol involved, I get even more
nervous, even though I know Missy's hung out with some of the girls
before.

That actually just intensified my nervousness.  What am I to do? 

I've been looking forward to Saturday for so long and now it just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. 

I should just focus on the good things.  Yesterday night with the
sisters was really nice.  We had some good conversation and did a
really good job at making fun of Sheer Genius and The Real World.  I
think
we were really on our game that night.  Also, tomorrow will be nice--we
haven't all had a night on the town in a while and those are very
freeing.  I'm sure there will be some good food and lots of
laughing.

Stephanie's actual wedding will be nice too.  I'm sure she'll look gorgeous--she's the epitome of a perfect bride. 

My cousin, Jennifer, just found out that she's pregnant.  That's pretty
cool too.  She's already 12 weeks (aka THREE FRRRREAKING MONTHS)
along.  Ever since she could remember, she's wanted to have a baby by
25, and she just turned 24 about a week ago, so it's working out
perfectly for her.  Having a pregnant cousin might not seem like too
big a deal to people with large extended families, but as I only have
three cousins, and six aunts/uncles, this is BIG NEWS.  It's too bad
that she lives in North Carolina as we won't be able to be there for
her during the pregnancy and birth, but it'll just ensure that I
actually do go visit her this summer. 

Um, hm...is there any other positivity in my life?

My poetry professor read poems of just three students aloud to compare
them with readings in one of our texts.  Mine was one of them.  He said
I approached the material with the same fearlessness as Whitman, which
I took as a huge compliment.  Next week we pass our responses to
everyone's work back to them, so I get to see how everyone reacted to
my poems.  I turned in the one I had written specifically for the
class, "the virgin dreams apocalypse," and one I had written a year ago
about drinking and thinking and death called "loose change."  I really
look forward to seeing everyone's reactions...

Also, I wrote about four poems within the past week, so that's pretty
sweet.  They're all decent, nothing AMAZING, but they could be good
filler poems if I ever get published. 



Alright.  Well my blood pressure feels slightly lowered and I'm breathing at a steady pace. 

But because this website is supposed to serve as a daily record of
events for me to look back at a year or two from now, let me record the
earthly events that have happened recently:

-Japan earthquake.  Basically ignored.

-Haiti earthquake.  Celebrities came to the rescue.

-Chile earthquake.  Celebrities decided one natural disaster a month
was enough to raise awareness for; however, scientists say that it
sliiiiiiiightly tilted the earth's axis.

-Taiwan earthquake.  I quietly wait for California's plates to groan into place.

-that lovely girl from Poway, Chelsea King I believe, was abducted
while running alone and most likely/definitely raped and murdered by
that horrendous man who had already been to jail for sexual assault. 
Maybe we should think about reforming our penal system?

-today a cruise liner was hit with freak 33 ft waves off the coast of Spain.  I think about apocalypse.



And that's a wrap.

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