Okay.  Okay.  Okay. 

I feel like I'm having a panic attack.  Seriously, I'm not just saying
that.  I mean, I tend to employ hyperbole more than the average person,
but occasionally I get the shaky hands, accelerated heartbeat,
inability to just sit still, can't eat, can't drink, lots of
toe-tapping and nail-biting, inability to focus on anything but what's
stressing me out, short, quick breaths, overwhelming anxiety.  And this
is one of those moments.  Let's review what's causing it and see if I
can make myself feel better by rationalizing it all away.

(1)money.  I think this is the key trigger.  I'm working about 16 hours
a week lately, which is nothing, even at $11/hr.  And today I went
shopping for supplies for (2)Stephanie's bachelorette party, and just
spent so much more, and no one has paid me back yet, and the hotel was
$155 and the alcohol was waaaay too expensive and I'm expecting to
spend at LEAST $50 at Lips and I have all the responsibility on me and
I'm nervous that the hotel will notice that there are 6 girls in a room
I said only 2 people would be in and I don't want to have to pay more
if they notice and (3)I'm going to be hanging out with associates which
always makes me nervous that I'll get in trouble with my boss or lose
my job or something and with (4)alcohol involved, I get even more
nervous, even though I know Missy's hung out with some of the girls
before.

That actually just intensified my nervousness.  What am I to do? 

I've been looking forward to Saturday for so long and now it just seems like a disaster waiting to happen. 

I should just focus on the good things.  Yesterday night with the
sisters was really nice.  We had some good conversation and did a
really good job at making fun of Sheer Genius and The Real World.  I
think
we were really on our game that night.  Also, tomorrow will be nice--we
haven't all had a night on the town in a while and those are very
freeing.  I'm sure there will be some good food and lots of
laughing.

Stephanie's actual wedding will be nice too.  I'm sure she'll look gorgeous--she's the epitome of a perfect bride. 

My cousin, Jennifer, just found out that she's pregnant.  That's pretty
cool too.  She's already 12 weeks (aka THREE FRRRREAKING MONTHS)
along.  Ever since she could remember, she's wanted to have a baby by
25, and she just turned 24 about a week ago, so it's working out
perfectly for her.  Having a pregnant cousin might not seem like too
big a deal to people with large extended families, but as I only have
three cousins, and six aunts/uncles, this is BIG NEWS.  It's too bad
that she lives in North Carolina as we won't be able to be there for
her during the pregnancy and birth, but it'll just ensure that I
actually do go visit her this summer. 

Um, hm...is there any other positivity in my life?

My poetry professor read poems of just three students aloud to compare
them with readings in one of our texts.  Mine was one of them.  He said
I approached the material with the same fearlessness as Whitman, which
I took as a huge compliment.  Next week we pass our responses to
everyone's work back to them, so I get to see how everyone reacted to
my poems.  I turned in the one I had written specifically for the
class, "the virgin dreams apocalypse," and one I had written a year ago
about drinking and thinking and death called "loose change."  I really
look forward to seeing everyone's reactions...

Also, I wrote about four poems within the past week, so that's pretty
sweet.  They're all decent, nothing AMAZING, but they could be good
filler poems if I ever get published. 



Alright.  Well my blood pressure feels slightly lowered and I'm breathing at a steady pace. 

But because this website is supposed to serve as a daily record of
events for me to look back at a year or two from now, let me record the
earthly events that have happened recently:

-Japan earthquake.  Basically ignored.

-Haiti earthquake.  Celebrities came to the rescue.

-Chile earthquake.  Celebrities decided one natural disaster a month
was enough to raise awareness for; however, scientists say that it
sliiiiiiiightly tilted the earth's axis.

-Taiwan earthquake.  I quietly wait for California's plates to groan into place.

-that lovely girl from Poway, Chelsea King I believe, was abducted
while running alone and most likely/definitely raped and murdered by
that horrendous man who had already been to jail for sexual assault. 
Maybe we should think about reforming our penal system?

-today a cruise liner was hit with freak 33 ft waves off the coast of Spain.  I think about apocalypse.



And that's a wrap.

Just thought you should know I have a computron again. Thanks to mom. (I know, it's surprising how someone can totally not be a part of your life then drop over $1000 for a computer). 

Juggalo News by Zoltarkill on YouTube

ELL OH FREAKING ELL

I wont bore you with some inside jokes

or show you a picture with birds, lightning, rainbows, a prism, a moon, outer space, and white light even though you wont understand anyway...



I want to propose some good 'ol fashioned fun and invite you and anyone you know to hang out at my house Friday the 26th (this day is open for being changed to the 27th so I need to know if you want to do this).

There is lack of communication in this group, we need to express our ideas when we think of them, they don't have to be new or original, I think we just have to motivate each other and think positively; like when Jeff gave Joe the benefit of the doubt at 1:01. I'm not blaming anyone for this except Joe because he knows I hate him. I just want to say that I would like to try and motivate us to do something all together because I love my friends and I love when we are together.

I propose that we get together during the day, I know I want to do it on a Friday and if all 1-2 of us that has a job works on that day it makes it hard. I'm not talking about early day, but maybe around 4-5 we could start to meet up. Sorry for being cynically sarcastic but I am only joking since I do in fact fall under this category.

My parents will be out of Town for the weekend and I need to stay home for a portion of that time to take care of my dog who would just love extra company.

I would like to make an itinerary:
-BBQ feast: we always love feasts and I crave some bratwurst and hamburgers(and vegan stuff if we need).
-Viewing of PULSE on 7.1 surround sound, even though the DVD is recorded in 5.1 I figure it still helps.
-Beatles Rock Band (on the surround sound), just need Mark to bring one Wii guitar for a bass.
-Downtown adventures with Ghirardelli
-Maybe jacuzzi

Maybe someone can somehow get a hold of Brian during the week and see if we can motivate him to come.

I would also suggest band practice over the weekend, but I know no one wants to do that because it always goes downhill fast. So by band practice I mean, Jam sessions, screwing around, and having fun; seriously I need this sometimes and I have no one to do it with.

If anyone needs some gift ideas for me, or you just want to be cool.

In other news, Ashley managed to pull off a supposedly killer presentation on Linguistics in Arizona while being sick and after I burned her  with a soldering iron, congrats.

Mark got in a knife fight or tried to kill himself or something.

for Jeff, and his new found glory.

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you have tried."

Apparently that is what I have done. Today my 8GB flash drive died with everything I have don't the last 2 semester, I backed it up not to long ago so only recent work is lost. Some of it may be recovered through means of finding them in other places but this is such an annoying set back. Its says there is 2.33 GB of stuff on there but when I click on it, it is empty and the name was reset to a generic name; so if anyone has any advice, let me know.

It's about that time of year when I feel the need to change something about myself.  And I'm not talking about changing the inner-me because I'm basically perfect--no, I want to change the superficial.  I want long hair but I want to cut it, and I want bangs, but not the kind you brush to the side and I want highlights or blonder hair.  BUT I have no money to get any of this done and I think that hair really can make or break a person so I'm always skeptical about this kind of change.  I mean, if a guy has a bad haircut, it's a no-go in most instances and I'm sure most guys feel the same way about women, whether they notice that it's the bad hair that repels them from a girl or not.  But I guess I really have no guys to impress and don't really care what anyone thinks about me at the moment, so maybe I should just throw caution to the wind and DO IT already.

I'm really proud about how I'm doing this semester because I feel like, for the most part, I've been able to keep up with all my reading and assignments.  This is a lesson to all those aspiring to be english majors that it's really more productive to take four lit classes than five.  This is true in regards to the short-term (being able to actually read all assigned material, going to class prepared, not staying up until three am stressing about the mountain of work you didn't get to then going to bed crying) and the long-term (your sanity remains fully intact and you will most likely not become an alcoholic).  

In Techniques of Poetry, we're finally starting to write.  We have to email a work to everyone by next Friday and I'm really excited because I'm already finished with mine (for the most part).  It's called "The Virgin Dreams Apocalypse" and I lo-lo-love it.  Hopefully I'm one-thousand times better than everyone in my class and my teacher tells me that I must get published immediately and that I'm the voice of our generation. 

Crazy-Amazing-Melissa is in town this weekend and so Annie and I hung out with her on Friday night.  We went over to her house to find her in an old pair of pajama bottoms and a 2004 Patrick Henry Women's Field Hockey sweatshirt.  She wasn't even on the team.  We sat around, catching up and watching two hours of ABDC (please tell me you guys have seen the new season!); it was wonderful to see her (as always), but talking with her made me feel really behind on planning my future.  See, Melissa's always been something of a wild girl.  She was always right there with me when I would complain about having no future; I mean, she technically had plans, but they included breeding miniature kittens and discovering the fountain of youth--not impossible, but pretty impractical.  And so, in her uncertainty, I had company.  I was not alone.  But now she's gone and figured out her life which is GREAT, and I'm very happy that she has goals and dreams (even if she said they will keep her below the line of poverty for the rest of her life), but it also made me go into a panic about my lack of any future prospects.  I SERIOUSLY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING TO ACTUALLY DO WITH MYSELF.  I've always been lucky enough to have had the power of positive thinking propel me to where I currently am in life.  Usually if I want something bad enough, I'll just kind of . . . get it.  And I don't really work for it, it just kind of falls into my lap.  This passivity has gotten me so far, I just kind of assumed it would be with me forever.  But when you get to a certain age, perhaps fortunate coincidences no longer pull through?  And even if they do, even if I somehow get a couple poems published in a couple journals, where's that going to take me?  My dreams are now too small in scope--they're nothing to live off of.  I hate resigning myself to practicality, but I think I'm at the point where fantasy has to be set aside.  It's really kind of depressing, having to come to terms with the "real world." 

Call

Yes, it is true.

I ate meat last night, chicken to be more specific,  after around three and a half years of being vegetarian to vegan to vegetarian again, it's over. Why the change?  I am just tired of being limited, or maybe its because of all the BBQ pit masters me and Jeff have been watching,  except for last week.  BBQPM was replaced by a show about trash, not your typical white trash, but actual trash.

Well, unwrapped was partially right when talking about the power of bacon, bringing some vegetarians out of their vegetarianism (bacon cupcakes) Oh unwrapped..

Anyway, what it comes down to is, if I want to eat some bacon, i'll eat some bacon, (definitely will not eat steak)  if I feel like being vegan for the day, i'll be a vegan. Normal.

But when I had the chicken, it wasn't really good. My mom put too much rosemary on it, and it was dry. But I know chicken can be better, for my mother isn't the best cook, and I'm excited to try new foods, or meals that I have missed out on.  

Yeah, Valentines day came and went, and it was very nice.

I made Jeff some chocolate chip cookies and sugar cookies with frosting and pop rocks to top it off, I think it was a nice touch, but it doesn't really beat what Jeff got me. Earlier in the evening, while going to balboa park,  I think we both learned that the Circus isn't as glamorous as big fish makes it to be, or I guess Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears. I think it might be more like, FREAKS!  I didn't see a man baby though..or anyone really. 

I would share a picture of it with you, but it's not imported. 

Tuesday and STILL no letter..

I've been meaning to post, but with 21 units this semester, i've been at school for a good
chunk of time, monday, from 9am-10pm (+breaks) being the worst.

I basically had to re-do my first week of school, which it terrible
because I hate the first week. I had to make some adjustments which
included:

+Geogrpahy

- Chemistry (work I didn't want to do)

+Health

+Art lab



and I have other classes, obviously, but I'll try not to bore you. But
I will just add that my old chemistry teacher is Kristen Wiig's twin,
my English teacher looks like he should be in a band, my geography
teacher's personality is a mix between Bill Bye and Alton Brown. My
geography lab teacher has a Russian accent, so he's difficult to
understand, but it kind of makes me like him more, and
my history teacher leaves out most things.



This semester, I met a "in the closet" (but not so much) gamer AND
dungeons & dragons player, score.  He says he doesn't wear zelda
tee's or anything like that, I find that unfortunate.  I also have
received random papers (photo and into+notes) from two fellows, one
being D&D kid.

Oh and me and Jeff went and took pictures for my first photography assignment so I would have SOmeEthing to turn in






I conclude with a tip, which I'm sure you already do:

Always take your car to the shop, or tell your parents to. Terrible
things will happen on the freeway when you least expect it, and you
will probably have to get all new tires, oil change, something,
something, brake fluid whatever.



It's saturday, and still no letter..